usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- happy new year! 2000 - i hadn't started my diary yet but it was the first new year's jeff and i had together. he was stupidly excited, which should have been a warning to me then lol, making comments about the fact that we had had our first thanksgiving and our first christmas together and now we were starting the first new year of our lives together and some other mushy things. his sister spent the evening trying to force him to kiss me in front of her. which, looking back, was kind of weird. we had sierra, drake, allen, allen's brother scotty, and tara's two kids all sleeping in the floor in the living room on piles of blankets and pillows and all of us stayed up until midnight playing video games and laughing and playing and tickling and we all ate toast for a midnight snack at two in the morning. 2001 - i made no entry that night, but i remember it pretty well. jeff and i were working/living for u-suck storage and we were not getting along very well. again. he had to babysit the kids of course, at jennie's so that she could work. then when he got home around eleven, we spent most of the rest of the night not speaking, with me reading a book on one end of the couch and him sitting on the other end playing something or other on the ps2. eventually i went to take a bath and he went outside because some people down the street were setting off firecrackers. i went to bed with my book and he slept on the couch with his ps2 controller still in his hand. i made this entry the next day. i spent 2002 in the country in the house with no heat. and i cleaned out the fridge. woohoo! such excitement. jeff had to work that day and he watched the kids that night and when he got home it was close to midnight. we played the newest version of smackdown! for a few hours and then did some actual couple-in-a-relationship kind of stuff (that means we had sex). 2003 - i made no entry but i can tell you i did nothing because i worked first at target all day and then at the gas station until eleven. after which i went home and went to bed, one, because i was sick, and two, so that i could get up and do it all over again the next day. i was still under the delusion that soon jeff and i would be back on our financial feet and once again under the same roof. this year i have made several entries so far. here, here, here, and here. once again this year i am sick. i am also still single. still living with my parents. still broke. i still have high cholesterol and weigh more than i should or even want to admit. my fortunes from my fortune cookies tonight. although it feels like a roller coaster now, life will calm down. hmmm, not a bad one, all things considering i guess. and number two is... be on the alert for new opportunity. pretty generic but all in all, not a bad fortune. at least it didn't say something like, you will meet a hairy woman who will make all your dreams come true or something like that. i'm not making new year's resolutions because, as i have mentioned before, i suck at keeping them so making them is just like setting myself up for failure. and really, who needs that? but i will be making some more life changes. i have made a few this year. not as many as i would have liked, but some good ones none the less. this year, i got over jeff. that alone makes me feel better about myself. and despite all that is wrong with my life, my life has moved forward since our breakup while his has moved in reverse. and while that makes me sad for him, it makes me happy to know that i am a strong person and that he was not "my life" as i felt he was. i found a wonderful counselor who has helped me so much in the past ten months or so. i can't begin to explain how much she has helped me. just by listening to me. i have opened up to her and told her things that i have never told anyone. i have admitted feelings and thoughts to her that i hadn't even admitted to myself until i heard them escape my lips. at this time last year i was planning exactly how to kill myself and this year, while my depression is in super mode right now as i haven't been to see cathy in two months, i'm alive, and i'm relatively happy with my life and myself. if i hadn't found her, i don't know where i would be right now, or if i'd even still be here at all. i lost my grandma this year but through that loss, i came to understand her and her life a little bit better. i also was able to get closer to my cousin and start a friendship with her that i cherish and i am so grateful for that and i know that it would make grandma very happy to know how close we have become through our love for her. i got promoted six months ago. i love my job, despite the fact that i am currently feeling a little bit burnt out, and am looking forward to another great year. i have made a couple of very close friends at work who i know that i can count on if i need them. they stay on the lookout for signs of stress and help me vent if they think i'm close to losing it. we are able to make each other laugh, they let me cry, we all yell and vent and cuss. we get to have lunch together on occasion which is a nice change from my solitary lunches, just me and my book. i got to spend some quality time with my brother before he left to go overseas. i never feel like i've spent enough time with him, no matter how much time we spend together, because then he's gone again and i miss him. i was able to articulate to him this year before he left how proud i am of him and how much i love him. and that makes me feel good. i read a lot. i saw some good movies. i attended one very beautiful wedding of one very beautiful woman marrying her true other half. then she moved away and even though i hadn't seen her in a while i missed her and i cried. i got to talk to fallon on the phone. we shared more emails than we had in the past few years and i realized that being with jeff had pretty much cut me off from my friends and that saddened me. we got to celebrate my father being cancer free for one year! i got my baby junebug. i don't even remember life without her at this point. i can't imagine going to sleep without her cuddling with me or coming home from work without her waiting for me. i made some new friends online, such as yvonne, who is my long lost big sister. she makes me want to actually travel north. i participated in the craziness that is nanowrimo. and even though i did not finish, partly due to my own procrastination and partly due to spending a good half of the month in the icu wating room, i still feel good about it and am planning to participate again next year. i met a nice boy online. we became friends and then we weren't friends anymore. and then we were friends again. and now we aren't really friends anymore. but i hope he has a really good 2005 anyway. hmm, i guess i did more than i thought i did this year. some was good, some was bad. some was just alright. despite the fact that two thousand and five is the year that i turn (gasp) twenty-nine, i have a feeling it's going to be a pretty good one. happy new year guys. love you! and this is my last toodles of two thousand and four... ready? toodles 9:18 pm - 31 Dec 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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