usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- reading this is a waste of time i hate my life. i fought with my dad again tonight so i left the house and drove around for an hour or so just thinking. i try to change things, to make them better and they just keep blowing up in my face. so why bother anymore? it's all so fucking hopeless and pointless. and yeah, i probably sound like i'm feeling sorry for myself but fuck you, at least i'm feeling something. i hurt myself just to prove that i can still feel pain but pain is all i feel. happiness is a distant memory. the sight of my own blood reminds me that i'm alive but that's the only way i can tell anymore. i'm completely numb. i hate those diaries, those fucked up teenagers who moan my life is shit so i cut myself. i've never been a cutter, never understood the need to inflict pain upon one's self. it's a recent habit but razor blades and knives are just too cliche for me. i'd rather cut my bite my tounge or lips until they bleed, until the pain brings tears to my eyes. i'd rather cut my fingernails to the quick and rip my cuticles until my fingers throb and bleed. i don't know how i got so fucked up. my life wasn't bad. my parents didn't lock me in the closet or beat me bloody. i got whippings, sure, but surely that isn't what has fucked my wiring so badly. yeah, i was molested and raped when i was nine. i was raped again when i was thirteen and then again repeatedly by my first boyfriend from the time i was 17 until i was almost 19. but really, did that cause this? people have been through much worse things than me and they aren't fucking crazy, so why am i? i just want to know why. and if i'm destined to spend the rest of my life walking around in a numb coccoon, then what's the fucking point? why bother? what would be the difference? i feel nothing now and i would feel nothing then. i was enraged earlier, i wanted to break something, hurt someone, something to get it out. instead i drove and smoked. and thought about driving my car into a bridge support or into a tree. but would it end it, or would i end up worse off than i am now? i'm such a fucking coward. i hide in my room with my books and my computer because it's safe here. i don't have to deal with people here, not face to face anyway. no one can hurt me in here. not like they can out there. not like they have out there. but if someone did hurt me, then wouldn't that prove that i could still feel? i'm so fucked up. i'm crying now, tears rolling down my face and i have no idea why. i'm not sad. no longer angry. not anything. just here. taking up space. wasting oxygen. wasting time. wasting away. fuck me, i hate myself so badly. i'm pathetic, whining away, bitching and moaning. i'm just so lost and i cannot seem to find my way. and right now, i'm not sure there is a way to find, or if i even want to. i know there is no way that i will sleep tonight. but that is all i want to do. i want to crawl in the bed and pull the blanket over my head and shut it all out. i just want the nothingness to end. 10:56 pm - 03 Feb 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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