usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- calm, cool, & collected so a little while after my previous entry i ended up a tad depressed. okay, a lot depressed so i took a short nap while watching an old episode of something or other on tlc. i really like tlc in case you hadn't noticed. so, yeah, i napped. and i woke up even more depressed and in a very foul mood. i suddenly felt very clausterphobic, like i needed to get out of the house right that minute or i was going to lose it. my first anxiety attack in close to five months. and hopefully my last. so i told my dad i was going to go to the store, i'd be back in a minute. and he was like why? (of course, he always asks that) so i told him, i have to get out of here right now. i cannot be in this house for another second. which of course he didn't understand. he is completely clueless when it comes to me and mama's depression and such. but he's a man, and an old one at that. his generation was raised different and all that. so he told me that if i parked and turned the car off i might need to get it jumped to get it started again. i told him i didn't intend to park anywhere and turn it off so that it should all be okay and i wouldn't be gone long. of course, he succeeded in causing me to feel horrifically guilty for leaving him home alone with the dogs and for not wanting to eat the blueberry pancakes that he made for dinner. i tried to explain that i could not eat when i was in the middle of a panic attack. i would either a)choke to death because i was hyperventalilating or b)vomit from the anxiety. so, yeah, neither of those seemed like a particular good choice to me. so i rolled the window down and enjoyed the cool air rushing in. of course i couldn't listen to any music because whatever the hell is wrong with the car, the radio/cd player is somehow tied into it. so i talked to myself instead. which is a pretty normal thing for me when i'm coming down from a panic attack. it's the best way to calm myself down. as long as i am feeling strong enough not to trash myself i can calm myself within a few minutes and everything will be right with the world again. well, mostly anyway. so, i talked to myself, calmed myself down. i could actually feel my blood pressure lowering. and basically the funk that i was in earlier disappeared when the last of the panic washed away. this is what therapy can do for you. :) i'll never be "cured" of depression or anxiety, but i've learned to like myself enough and learn enough about myself over the past several months with cathy that i am able to (sometimes) talk myself out of feeling that way. of course it doesn't work all the time. i'm sure there will come a time when i am so depressed that i don't want to talk myself out of it. but i'm pretty proud of myself anyway. it makes me a better and healthier person. a stronger person. a happier person. so, the car is messed up, i'm stressed out. but, in the end, it'll all work out. my mom will drive me to work tomorrow, my dad'll pick me up. monday morning i'll drive the car to the dealership and daddy will follow me and take me to work after i drop it off and hopefully they will be able to repair what they messed up within a day, two at the most. i'd be willing to give them until tuesday afternoon. maybe. well, it's about twenty after one. junebug is snoring on my feet and i'm pretty tired now. being emotional can make you kind of sleepy. so, i'm off to go nighty-night. hope you all had a good weekend. toodles. p.s. i came home from my ride with every intention of having a couple of my dad's blueberry pancakes. but he was so mad at me for leaving and for being upset with issues that he can't and won't understand, that he fed all of them to the dogs. that was nice of him wasn't it? 12:58 am - 19 Sep 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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