usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- might need some anger management not much to say today. earlier today i received an email from an old friend and it made me feel very bad. it's like this friend has not mentioned one word to me about my father and what i'm dealing with. so i send this friend a goofy letter and i get a nasty sarcastic response back and that kind of sucked. no one knows what i'm going through so don't judge me. i am dealing with things the best way i know how. i am tempted to get in the bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there. all i want to do is sleep and eat and i feel like shit day and night. i'm scared to leave my house. i'm scared to come home. if i call home during the day and he doesn't answer i have horrible visions of him lying in the floor or out in the yard, suffering a heart attack all alone and scared. i'd say all things considered, i'm handling things pretty fucking well. okay, so i got a little stressed out over my car. but now my dad feels the need to drive me to work every morning and pick me up every afternoon. and like my sweetie kathy said it will give me time to spend with him and time i can hold on to and remember when he's gone, but it worries me so much. he's 53 years old! he's still young. he's not even old enough to retire for crying out loud. he's never going to know his grandchildren. my brother and i will never get to watch our father hold our babies the way he held us when we were born. my kids will never get to crawl up into their grandpa's lap and have him read to them or play with them. so excuse the fuck out of me if i seem a little selfish. i know i'm not the only one out there with problems. i know i'm not the only one who has ever lost or is getting ready to lose a loved one. i know that. but i can say that i feel compassion and sympathy for those others. i don't think that my feelings are more important than theirs. but everyone deals with things in their own way. and if i have to watch my daddy die a little bit every day then i will damn well deal with it any fucking way i like. 9:02 pm - 03 Sep 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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