usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pointless life my life is falling apart right before my eyes and i don't know how to stop it. i guess i probably can't stop it anyway and so it is pointless to even try. i will probably be moving back in with my parents in a week or so. i don't know where jeff is going. neither does he. i don't know if we will continue to be together after we move. i don't know anything anymore. i can't go on like this. maybe it's all for the best. god this hurts. two months ago i was devinely happy. he said he wanted to marry me. he said he wanted to have a baby. now i may be pregnant and we are losing each other faster every day. i will buy a pregnancy test tomorrow and pray that it is negative. truly, the result doesn't matter. i will be relieved and saddened if it is negative. i will be happy and destroyed if it is positive. either way, i lose. or maybe, either way, i win. does it really matter if you win or lose when your heart is broken? i wish now that i could turn back time. i wish that i could go back eleven years and never have met him. i wish i'd never fallen in love with him. i wish i'd never loved his children. that fact alone is killing me. i don't want to miss seeing them grow up and being part of their lives. i want to see them go to their proms, graduate and move on in their lives. i want to be a part of it. but reality is slapping me in the face. just because i want something to happen doesn't mean that it is going to happen. even if we both want it to happen, that doesn't mean that it will. life just said, hey cindy, fuck you. 7:19 pm - 08 Jun 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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