usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- can you lose a friend you never met? so i met a boy. and for fourteen days we talked and laughed and joked for hours every day. till late at night when we should have been asleep. and we both stayed tired every day after for fourteen days. on the fourteenth day, thinking i had found a good friend, someone that i could talk to and laugh with and joke with and have fun with, i asked him to go out and have dinner with me. and he ignored the question. joked it off. i kind of shrugged and even though my ego was a little bruised i still looked forward to talking to him again the next day. so the fifteenth day we only talked a little bit. for a couple of hours instead of five or six. we still talked and joked and laughed and as far as i knew things were still as they had been. we were friends. had things in common, laughed a lot and enjoyed talking to and getting to know each other. so the sixteenth day, being the stubborn person that i am, i decided to try again. so i sent him a message asking if he'd like to have dinner with me. no reply. now i knew he had stuff to do that day so i didn't think much of it other than it was the first day since the day we met that we hadn't talked. but we are, after all, just friends and neither of us owes the other anything. so on the seventeenth day, i come home from work to find a message saying that he isn't ready to go out with me and so on and so forth and he's sorry if he gave me the wrong impression and so on and so forth and i was basically shocked. literally, i said to the screen, what the fuck is he talking about? so i sent him a note explaing that i was just looking for a friend. that i'm sorry if i gave him the impression that i wanted more. i mean, i'm over jeff, i can get through almost an entire day without thinking about him, almost, but every time i see a little boy with bright blond hair i look twice, and every time i see a little girl with long beautiful straight golden hair i look twice. it's never them but i always look just in case. i don't want jeff back and i don't want to jump into a relationship with someone i've just met. i do want to get on with my life. i do want to meet someone, i do want to fall in love and i do want to get married and have children. but i don't want all that with the first person i meet. and i don't look at every man i meet and size him up for a husband. right now, i need one thing in my life, and one thing only. i need friends. i need friends i can talk to, spend time with, laugh with. i need friends who can help me when i'm feeling rough and friends who i can help because it always makes me feel better to help someone anyway. i really thought i had found a strong friend in this boy. and when i found out that he had been through a very similar situation to mine with jeff and the kids that just made me feel even closer to him. yeah, i liked him. i liked him a lot. i even told him i liked him. but i wasn't planning to propose. i offered to buy him a meal. a not very expensive one at that. i thought it would be fun to sit at a table in a resturant together, smoking and talking and laughing, the way we did over the phone and online. and i haven't heard a word from him. it seems that even though i have explained that i wasn't looking at him as husband material that he still doesn't want to talk to me. maybe it's just a coincidense, but i feel i should add, on the sixteenth day, the day it all changed, not only did i ask him out, he finally saw a picture of me. so the million dollar question is, did he back off because he thought i wanted more than he did, or did he decide he didn't want me because i wan't pretty enough or skinny enough? i know it shouldn't matter. hell, i don't even know him and i'll probably never hear from him again. and mostly it doesn't matter. but every so often my eyes will fall on the picture that i sent him a copy of and i wonder. i've never been a believer of meeting someone online before. but then on the first day when i met him i was so excited. it was so nice. i wasn't nearly as lonely these past fourteen days as i had been in the past few months. it gave me something to look forward to every day and it was so comfortable. and should sherlock come here looking for something, i really did just want a friend. your loss. 8:28 pm - 25 Jul 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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