usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fucking migraine this is a repost of an old entry from 2001. i'm currently sitting in front of the computer wearing sunglasses to cut the glare from the screen. hopefully this entry will explain to my newer readers why... when i was younger i had several little fantasies i guess you could call them to help me cope with the pain i suffered during the migraines. one, that i have recently started using again, is picturing the inside of my skull as a snow globe. you know those little dome things filled with water that you shake and it looks like it's snowing until all the little particles settle back to the bottom? i picture the inside of my skull as being completely empty, yet filled with some sort of fluid, perhaps water, i don't know, you have to remember that i came up with this scenario when i was 5 years old. i picture millions of little particles of pain floating around inside my skull and as i lie there trying to sleep i will picture them slowly floating down to the bottom and gathering together in a large pile until i finally fall asleep. i have another fantasy about my migraines in which i picture a tumor embedded deep in the center of my brain. a black fluid-filled sac, roughly the size of a tennis ball, pumping it's poisonus fluid into my brain with each beat of my heart. even if doctor's could ever find it, they'd never be able to remove it without killing me. which, at times, seems to be an acceptable alternative to the pain. i imagine that for the most part, normal people don't wish that their heart would stop beating. yet with every beat of my heart, my temples throb, my eyes, all the veins and muscles and tendons in my head throb and pulse in time and i just want it to end. my gums throb with every beat until i feel that they must be swollen and the very roots of my teeth ache. my head feels enlarged, like it must have grown, swollen 2 or 3 times it's normal size and it continues to grow with every pulsing pain. my neck seems to have shrunk in size until it can no longer support the swollen monstrosity that is my head and the muscles in my neck and shoulders feel like they've been strapped with bands of steel, unable to move even the slightest bit. my jaws and cheekbones ache. my very lips hurt so that the very thought of speaking causes tears to come to my eyes. my eyes feel as if they are being poked with red-hot needles from the inside and my vision is blurry and fuzzy until it eventually fades to various shades of grey, black, and red. the smallest source of light seems to be multiplied by one hundred and my eyes throb, the pain stabs, the tears flow, the nausea rolls. the slightest sound, no matter how soft or muffled booms like a cannon shot inside my head and echoes, bouncing off the walls of my skull until i'm sure i'll go insane if anyone so much as whispers to me. with every beat of my heart my stomch flips and turns and waves of nausea ride my skin like wave of water on the beach. the very roots of my hair hurt. thobbing until i can envision myself tearing it out by the handful, imagining that the pain caused by this shedding must feel good in comparison to the horrible searing pain caused by the migraine. i've felt more than once like i was having a stroke and actually prayed that this would come true. after all, the pain would have to lessen wouldn't it, if half my brain became liquified due to a stroke? or perhaps my heart will just burst and the incessant beating and throbbing and pulsing will finally end and it will just all stop. my tears flow freely and i can't stop them. i'm not even crying in any real sense of the word. they are't tears that you would cry when you were upset or hurt or anything like that. my body triggers them without me even thinking about it and they will continue for hours until i finally sleep or my body simply runs out. i've been told all my life by various adults, teachers, coaches, as well as doctors, that it's all in my head. well that's the fucking problem. there's something in my head and i want it the fuck out. there are days when the pain is not so bad, bearable, tolerable. enough to function as normally as possible with school or work or whatever. but, god, then there are the days when i wish i would just die. then there are the days when i feel like the pain will kill me whether i want it to or not. 8:20 pm - 07 Jan 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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