usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- he wasn't a boy really, at 18 he was a man thanks to fallon and yvonne. you guys are both wonderful and i count myself very lucky to have you among my group of friends. it was 1985 and i had just finished the third grade. my brother and i went to my grandma's house down in carolina every summer to stay. my aunt had just remarried that previous winter and her new stepsons were living with her and her husband, and her daughter lynne. they were eighteen and sixteen and they could have charmed the bees from the trees. both of them. they were so funny. and fun. they took us little ones fishing and they colored with us and picked berries with us and watched tv with us. they were great. because i was nine, what knowledge i had of my "private parts" was limited to their function of removing bodily waste. i didn't know about sex, i was nine. my vagina was called my pee blossom for christ's sake. and a boy had a pee bug. and why the hell would a boy want to put his pee bug in my pee blossom? i didn't know what he had done to me until i was fourteen. i was a sheltered kid and i didn't learn about sex until my freshman year of sex ed. i had put it out of my head by that point in time. i mean, we're talking five years of growing up. granted, i became a different person that summer, but i didn't cling to the memory. i had nightmares to deal with and that was enough. my mind blocked the memory from me in an effort to protect me from it. at least, that's my conclusion. the nightmares were baffling to me for years. only recently have i been looking into the subject and i came across the explanation. it was so simple i literally smacked myself on the forehead and said duh. like i stated earlier, my knowledge of my genitals was limited only to their function of removing waste from the body. after i came home that summer i began to have nightmares in which i was kidnapped, chained to a wall or bed, and forced to drink urine and eat feces by a man whose face i could never see. in many of these dreams, my genitals would be mutilated. they would cut pieces of them off and make me eat them, or eat them themselves and make me watch. i must say, that in all of these dreams, i was not a nine year old girl, i was an adult in my dreams. at least, my nine year old minds version of an adult. in my dreams, my captures used my childish names, pee blossom, sunday bumps, (for my breasts, and yes, i was starting to develop at nine) and pee bug because those are the only names i had for them. i have recently learned that this is a normal occurence for children who have been molested. because they don't know what is going on, they have only one frame of reference, they have these dreams and/or fantasies that involve waste. it sounds weird to say that it is a normal occurence. i'm sorry that this entry seems to be bouncing around a bit. i had planned on going back to bed after i let junebug out but this was in my head begging to be let out so here i sit. i'm just writing as the thoughts come forward so they may seem a bit rambling. i do remember the day that i realized what had happened to me. like i said, i was fourteen and i was sitting in my freshman sex ed class. when it hit me that he had had sex with me, that he had ejaculated on me, and so on and so forth, i literally almost fell out of my chair. i did jump so hard that i knocked my books off of my desk. i was so embarassed as i picked them up and everyone was looking at me. i felt like they would all be able to tell what had happened to me just by looking at the blush on my cheeks. after class my teacher called me to her desk and asked if i was alright. i said yes and apologized for the disturbance i had caused. she went on to say that if there was anything that i wanted to talk to her about then i should feel free to come to her anytime. this confirmed my belief that everyone would know just from looking at the guilt on my face. i was mortified that people would know i let someone do that to me. the term slut became crystal clear to me that day and i was humiliated. i went home and cried and ate an entire package of chocolate chip cookies. i lied to my mom later and said that i had dropped them in the floor and the dog had eaten them. i had already started my overeating and my hiding and lying about food. it started as soon as my brother and i got home from grandma's house that summer. 1985 and i was starting down the road towards obesity. i turned away from my friends and started hiding in books. i read and read and read. because in books i could be anyone and do anything and nothing really bad ever happened to the girls i read about. i sat in the house and read my books and snuck cookies or whole blocks of cheese into my room and ate and read while my friends were out riding their bikes. i learned to tune out their shouts and laughter as they rode in front of the house calling my name asking me to come out. eventually though, they stopped asking me to come out. i am undecided about whether or not i will tell my family at this point in time. i have discussed it with cathy, my counselor, and i'm not sure that there is any point at this time. i think that to tell them now would simply cause them pain. my dad does not need more pain in his life and so i cannot see what purpose it would serve to hurt him by telling him his baby girl was raped and he was unable to protect her from it. i think that perhaps for now, it will be enough for me to deal with it and stop hiding it from myself. i think that being able to share it here with you may be helpful enough that i can finally stop carrying it as the burden it has been for the past nineteen years. now i can carry it as just another experience in my life, though a horrible one, it has lost the bone crushing weight it once had. i feel there is more i want to say but the words won't come at the moment. perhaps later today, or maybe another day completely, i will write about it some more. toodles 9:32 am - 19 Dec 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||