usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i am thankful... this is the first thanksgiving in four years that i haven't spent with jeff's family. i love my family and being surrounded by them at the holidays, but it really hit me today how much a part of my life was missing. not just jeff, though, i'll be honest and say that i do miss him, despite the fact that i am no longer in love with him. but it's more than just that. i miss his parents who became my parents, his brother and sister and their spouses and his (my) three nieces. i miss his aunts and uncles, not the crazy uncles, but the other ones, and his grandmother as well. and of course, then there are the babies. my babies, whom i miss in a way that i can't even put into words. jeff's whole family was my family as well and i miss being a part of their lives. and having them be a part of mine. they loved me and accepted me from the first moment i stepped foot into their house on christmas day years ago. they took me in and made me part of the family from that first moment. i never felt one moment of tension or awkwardness with them. they hugged me and made me feel as if i'd been part of their family forever. now i feel lost, without part of my family in my life. i think that is what i miss the most. i mean, i do miss them, the people themselves. but, being surrounded by my family today reminded me of how lonely i am. seeing my cousins with their husbands and kids made me smile on the outside, but there was a twinge of jealousy and loss in the inside. i want a partner, a husband to spend my holidays with. i want to make the holidays a special time for my children. i want to spend hours in the kitchen cooking a special thanksgiving meal for my husband and children and to sit at the table with them and be thankful for each and every one of them. i want a husband who looks at me from across the room the way my cousin's husband looks at her, even when she walks in front of the football game on tv.
i am thankful for what i have.
it was strange to have thanksgiving without grandma there though. it felt weird and i kept looking for her to be sitting in the chair where she always sits. i kept waiting for her voice to cut through the air. but it never did, and it probably never will again. and now i wish that i had listened more and sat next to her more and hugged her more and told her that i loved her more. and just been there more. just, everything, more. will and i just got back from the hospital. we went to visit, to see her on thanksgivIng day as we've seen her every thanksgiving our whole lives. nothing has changed, and it probably never will. and she will never be my "grandma" again. i miss her terribly. but i am thankful for the twenty eight years that i had with her and the love that she gave me, even though she had a hard time showing it, i always knew it was there. i love you grandma, happy thanksgiving. 8:42 pm - 25 Nov 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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