usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- too tired to toodle well here's a nice stroke to the old ego. of the five matches eH found for me today, all five of them have requested to communicate with me. one guy fasttracked me, meaning he wanted to skip all the q & a and go straight to messages. i agreed and his first message was, "you have really sparked my interest." can't say i've ever had a man tell me that before. so last night i went to bed around one-ish. i woke up shortly after two-thirty. i don't know if i had a weird dream or what but i was filled with this feeling of dread. i was positive that daddy was dead. i mean, abso-fucking-lutely positive. so i got up and opened my door and listened to see if i could hear him breathing. but i couldn't. which is weird actually because my old man snores to beat the band under normal circumstances. so i went out into the hallway and stood right in the doorway to his bedroom and listened. finally i heard him cough and i felt my body release all the tension it had been holding. i went back to bed. after about five minutes i had the same feeling of dread wash over me again. then i began to doubt that i had actually heard him cough. i started to think that maybe it had been my imagination or something. so once again i got up and went into the hallway. i stood in the silence and listened and waited. after a few moments i heard the steady rhythm, well, almost steady, of his breathing. the light rattle of wind in his chest that has become so normal in the past year. the rattle that always shoots the fear of pneumonia into me. but even the fear of pneumonia was pushed aside last night by the sheer joy of hearing him breathe. so once again i went to bed. shortly thereafter, i was up again. i could not sleep for the feat that i would wake up in the morning to find him dead. i sat in the hallway for the rest of the night, outside his door, listening for the slightest pause in the rhythm of his breath. i dozed off and on sitting up against the wall. my legs fell asleep and tingled and hurt but i could not bring myself to leave my strange little vigil. i can't do that every night. i don't know what to do. today i came home from work and planned to read for a bit but crawled under the covers instead. i remember my last thought being, just a short nap, maybe an hour. that was at four-thirty. daddy came and woke me up at nine so i could have dinner. now i'm struggling to keep my eyes open again. so i'm off to sleep. well, to try. actually, i'm so tired i don't think i'll have much of a problem tonight. tomorrow may be a different story. 1:14 am - 02 Sep 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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