usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the greeneyed monster hello hello one and all. i have returned to grace you all with another pathetic bitch session. lol okay, so i probably won't bitch through the whole thing. hey, quit laughing, there's a first time for everything. actually, i was telling dd the other night what i need to write about today and i hope you all don't think i'm whining or being pathetic or whatever but you know what, i love you all, you are all my nearest and dearest friends, but, it's like i told steve this past weekend, i write for me, not for everyone else. but, i know you all love me despite my whining so here goes. i try real hard not to be a jealous person. now, i've never been the most secure person in the world. i've never been the most self-confident person either. a lot of that stems from various shitty things that have happened over the years but i deal ya know. like my mother telling me i looked like the broad side of a barn. when i was 11. in a store in front of a bunch of people. that's liable to suck the ego out of most anyone. anyway, so, where was i? oh, yeah, so i'm not the most secure person in the world. moving on... because i'm not particularly secure and confident about myself, it is relatively easy for me to get jealous. and not just over people i'm dating either. i've been jealous of my brother's friends if he and i had plans and he'd blow me off to hang out with them. i think it's actually pretty normal for people to get jealous. i just forbid myself to do it. i'm scared that if i allow myself to feel jealously that i'll never get over it and wallow in self-pity for the rest of my life. okay, so more than i already do anyway. so, i have always had the attitude like okay, my boyfriend is flirting with the waitress right in front of me, oh well, he's still going home with me. that worked all right for a while. until my husband started fucking waitresses and not going home with me, but, i digress. so i'm a mistress. i have admitted it to myself. jeff and i used to joke months ago that i was his mistress. it actually made things kind of exciting there for a while. a very short while but a while nonetheless. but, like all jokes, it got old and the truth has settled in. i am a mistress. my boyfriend is married. and while he still maintains that he is "seperated" from his wife, she is living in the same apartment with him. makes things kind of, well, interesting for lack of a better word. so, the mistress thing i can handle because august is only 2 more months away and then they file for the big "D" word and i won't be a mistress anymore. hell, i've been one now since last october so i guess it really doesn't bother me that much. but, what does bother me is the whole, let's be a little family shit that jennie pulled last weekend. i am jealous dammit and i hate it! sierra is in that stage now that most little kids go through where they are fascinated with dinosaurs. so the science museum is having a dinosaur exhibit and jennie wanted to take sierra. so she told sierra they were going to go and sierra got all excited about it, she couldn't wait to go. then jennie told jeff that if he didn't go with her, she wasn't going to go. well, that would have broken sierra's heart if she hadn't got to go so of course jeff went. he mentioned it to me first and i was like that sounds cool, i hope you all have fun. he was like yeah, i'm sure it'll be a ton of fun spending the day with jennie. from what he said to me, it sounded like he was truly dreading going. he had a good time. they spent the day as a family. they all had fun together and i hate it. god i sound like a bitch. i don't want jeff and jennie to fight all the time, don't get me wrong. it's not fair to them, the kids or me when they stay at each others throats constantly. but, i don't exactly like it when they are acting like best friends either. it reminds me that jennie and he have something together that i'll never be able to have with him. yeah, jeff and i could end up staying together and we may even have children together. but even if we do have kids together, he and jennie will still share something that i can't. does that sound petty? i don't hate her. i don't like her a whole fucking lot, but i don't hate her. but i hate what she is. i love sierra and drake and i would give my very heart and soul to never see them suffer a moments pain, but i'll never be their mother. i'll be cindy, i'll be the evil wicked stepmother that took their daddy from their mommy. mever mind that jennie walked out and left the kids with jeff and didn't look back. that won't matter because they are too young to understand that. sierra understands alot for her age but she gets what she wants to get and nothing else. she told me yesterday that this was her mommy and daddy's house, not mine. she wanted to see her daddy hug her mommy, not me. my daddy doesn't love you, he loves mommy were her exact words. actually, pretty much this entire paragraph is her exact words. of course, five minutes later she was sitting in my lap in the floor telling me she loved me and asking me if she fell asleep would i still be there at the morning when she woke up. i told her no, i couldn't be there at the morning (btw, she says *at* the morning instead of *in* the morning, she's too cute) because i had to go home. she turned and looked up at me and said that she didn't want me to go home, she wanted me to stay there with her and drake and daddy and live there. i don't really try to figure out her mood swings anymore. she has worse ones than any pmsing woman i've ever known. one minute she hates me and doesn't even want me to look at her and the next she won't let me out of her site because she's scared i'm going to leave her. but i know that no matter how much i love sierra, and no matter how much she loves me, i'll still just be cindy. most days i think just being me is enough, but then, there are days when it doesn't even come close... 8:23 pm - 01 Jun 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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