usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i will not cry i want to cry so badly. i can feel the tears behind my eyes. every once in a while a renegade slips past my defenses and slides slowly down my cheeks. i swipe it away with the back of my hand and take a deep breath. i cannot cry. i will not allow myself to cry. once i start i may not be able to stop. he's going to die. it hit me all of a sudden tonight as i sat next to his bed in the hospital. we were talking and watching tv and i looked at him, really looked at him. he looks the same. if i look past the hair that's almost gone and the fact that his face is swollen from the extra fluids he's received in the past few days. if i ignore the slight breathlessness when he talks. he looks to me like he's always looked. if i walked by him on the street i'd never know his body was eating him alive from the inside. there is no cure. there is no guarantee. we don't even know if he'll live to get his transplant for christmas. and if he does, will it work? and what does it mean if it does work? he won't be cured because there is no cure. he'll be in "remission" which is a fancy word for "we don't really know when your body will decide to try to kill you again." we talked a little about it tonight. we haven't really done that before. it was just us for the two hours i was there, mama was at home for a little while. he couldn't say much, he seemed to choke on the words in his throat. "it's going to kill me." he said. "not today and not tomorrow but i'm going to die." i had to turn away from the pain on his face when he said those words to me. it seems almost unreal that a disease that i'd never even heard of until a month ago is going to take my daddy away from me. i know that one day the tears are going to come in a flood and i won't be able to stop them. the dam is cracking more every day, every minute. i know i can't hold them in forever. i'm scared. 12:34 am - 25 Sep 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||