usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my mental state is collapsing so the depression has set back in. with a fucking vengence too. it's weird. i absolutely love my job. which hasn't happened in like two years. jeff and i are doing well. i got to see my brother last week for the first time in months. i just got a paycheck for more money than i've seen in a year. my dad will be starting his transplant in a matter of days. things are going well. i should be supremely happy. for some reason, i'm just not feeling it today. yeah, i still love my job. it's going really well. i like the people i work with. i like my customers. i like what i do. i like everything about it. i enjoy going to work everyday, even though for the past week and a half and i have been completely exhausted. i do think that jeff has not gotten used to the fact that i am no longer sitting at home waiting for him though. for months he was my whole world. out here in the sticks, with him off at work in the car, i had no way to go anywhere or do anything so i waited all day for him to come home and i lived literally through him. there really is no other way to put it. it's sad i know but it's the truth. i hated it. every fucking minute of it. i hated depending on him so much. so yeah, i'm loving this new "freedom" as it were. i'm probably the first person in the world to call a job freedom. but for me it is. now i have my own life. it's all mine. now when he comes home from work i'm either at work or getting ready to go to work. and i think he's a bit jealous of the fact that i love my job so much. he no longer feels that way about his job. i think part of my depression right now is the fact that i'm on third shift, the graveyard shift. i go in at midnight and get off at eight. then i come home and sleep most of the day. i never see the sun. not that there has been much sun to see as of late. the weather also probably has a lot to do with my current state of mind. we are now into our third straight week of rain and clouds and darkness and while i have nothing against the rain, i need some sun. even if i just go sit out on the porch and read a book on a nice day, at least it's a nice day. i don't know. i have a lot of issues all mixed up in my head right now. i'm confused and tired and sad. this is supposed to be my last week on third shift. dottie hired three new people yesterday and at least two of them are for third shift. she hired tara also and she will probably be working third on the weekends. so that will be three people for third shift so i can finally go back to second shift, four to midnight. i am happy that i am getting ready to make my first car payment in almost year. my mom has been making them since last july. last june was the last time i made a full payment for myself. i suck. but diana is going to write a check for me for june's and jeff is going to take it by the bank monday. of course, i haven't yet told him that, but i will. no real need to tell him now, he'll just forget between now and then. and then we'll argue when i say, i told you the other day and he'll say, no you didn't. and so on and so forth. his memory sucks. so life is good and i should be happy. but i'm not. at least i'm not getting down on myself for being unhappy which i usually do. which just makes me even more unhappy. i know the reasons why i'm unhappy and i just have to let time take it's course and i will be happy again soon. if nothing else, i will have insurance in just a couple of more months and then i can go get on a good anti-depressant. lol so that's all. i'm out of here. got to get up early in the morning and fix breakfast for the kiddies. and they'll be up at the crack of dawn i'm sure. they always are. night. 11:42 pm - 31 May 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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