usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- another secret i am so exhausted. i just woke up but i've only been asleep for about an hour and a half. i want to go back to bed but i am so nausous that i know i can't lay back down until it passes or i'm going to be in big trouble. and i really don't want to go there. ick. so i am mindlessly playing mah jong hoping that the nausea will pass quickly and i can attempt to get some more sleep. i woke up all sweaty and icky from having a weird dream in which i was planning to have sex with morgan freeman but fallon wanted me to go to the movies with her instead and see something starring tony danza. i declined until she promised to buy me some raisinets in which case i told morgan i'd call him later. my fever is apparently raging but i can't breathe through my nose so i can't take my temperature and see what it is. which bothers me to no end because knowing my temperature is one of my obsessive behaviors. i take my temperature a lot. even when i'm not sick. basically i take my temperature at least once every day. usually more than once. i also check my blood pressure daily. several times. by the way, my bp is back to being totally normal. i guess it really was just stress and such back in november. of course, it isn't normal right now, it's a little on the high side. but i'm taking a decongestant so that is to be expected after all. while i'm sharing a few of my obsessive bahviors, i'll share this too. this is something that i've never told anyone before. ever. not even cathy, my counselor. i'm sure you have all heard of "cutters." people who cut themselves with razor blades or knives or whatever they can get their hands on. or people who burn themselves with lighters or cigarette butts. they are self injurers. people self injure for a lot of different reasons. some people do it to make themselves feel something. some do it to prove that they don't feel anything. others do it as a punishment. i self injure myself as a punishment and as a way to make sure i can still feel. the self injury that i do is a little bit weird though. i've been doing it since i was a little girl. probably nine or ten i guess. i hurt my mouth. last night i flossed for three hours straight. until my gums were raw and bleeding and throbbing with pain. i don't do it often but every once in a while i have a compulsion that i have to do it. i tried to put it off last night and i was able to delay it for a couple of hours but then i found myself picking my gums with my fingernails anyway. this morning my gums are so sore. and they are still throbbing. and part of the reason i'm nausous is probably from swallowing blood while i slept because they still haven't stopped bleeding 100% yet. i am not completely sure why i do this. other than sometimes the pain feels good. not good really, but like i'm still alive to feel it and that's good. and if i've been bad, especially if i've been bingeing or something then i will punish myself for it. and what better way to punish yourself for overeating than by injuring your mouth so that it hurts too bad to eat anymore? even now as i write this i find myself digging my fingernail into my gums without even realizing that i'm doing it at first. perhaps subconciously i am trying to punish myself for "telling" on myself. i also loosened several teeth last night and my whole mouth hurts terribly. i need to go back to sleep. i'm still nausous but i can't sit here anymore. i can't keep my eyes open. toodles 8:49 am - 01 Jan 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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