usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- twenty-one days to go till the clearance sales i just got home from almost finishing my christmas shopping. i have two or three gifts left to buy plus some christmas cards and i'm done. thank goodness. i used to get my shopping done in august and september and then i could just sit back and relax while everyone else rushed around like fools as the holidays approached. this year i've been too broke trying to pay off me and jeff's stupid bills to get anything done early. but i'm pretty excited that i'll have gotten everything done within three short shopping trips instead of a hundred like a lot of other people. will was home when i got here but he's already asleep. and the junebug is with him so i kidnapped beavis to keep me company tonight. tomorrow will be the last time i see him, will not beavis, until some time late next summer. he's deploying to africa on tuesday. i'm not really thinking about that right now though. denial is my friend. i had thought about buying sherlock a christmas gift but since he has apparently cut me off at the knees, again, i decided against it. mainly because i didn't want him to think i'm more of a stalker than he already does. actually, i worried that it would make him feel uncomfortable. god, i am such a wimp. cathy, my couselor would tell me to stop worring so much about how everyone else feels and think about how things make me feel for a change. speaking of cathy, i haven't been to see her in almost a month. with the whole grandma situation i told her i needed to be with my family and stuff and that i'd get back to her. she has emailed me once and called me once but i've put off emailing her back. i'm such a slacker sometimes. i really need to email her. she probably thinks i'm never coming back. i need to let her know that once the holidays are over i'll be back again. i do so well when i'm seeing her regularly but once i stop for any extended amount of time i stop doing so well. i'm not doing horrible. i'm not back to being where i was last year at this time, which was suicidal, but i'm not so great either. but then, if you take into account the stress that i've been under recently, a bit of depression is pretty much expected i think. i'm still taking my meds so that's a plus. i'm feeling a bit manic at the moment though which would probably explain the rambliness of this entry. i'm having a hard time sitting still and i'm typing really really fast for some reason. of course, i did have some caffeine a little while ago for the first time in god knows how long so that may be part of the reason for that. though to tell the truth i was feeling a little manic before that. hmm. anyway... so, i've been working on my new year's resolutions too. i don't like to call them new year's resolutions though. it's like if i call them that, then i'm doomed to fail no matter what they are. so i need to call them something else. basically, they are things that i've needed to do for ages and i've been putting off for whatever reason and i just really want to get my life on track here. i will turn twenty-friggin-nine years old in 2005. and what do i have to show for my life? *silence* yeah, nothing, that's what i have to show for myself. and i just really need to get my act together and start being an adult for a change. anyway, whatever they are called, resolutions or not, i will post them closer to the new year. probably. or maybe not. and then if i do fail no one but me will know. blah. that's part of my problem. i need the support of other people to help me be accountable to myself. i'm just not strong enough yet to be a good support system for myself. maybe one day i will be. not that it always works of course, the being accountable when other people know what i'm doing. i told everyone that i was doing nanowrimo in november and i totally didn't finish. granted, i spent the last two weeks of the month pretty much as a permanent fixture in the icu waiting room at the hospital but i don't want to use that as an excuse. i didn't do it. period. perhaps i will use the guidelines that chris baty, the founder of nanowrimo, set up and do my own nano one month this spring. maybe i'll make that one of my non-resolutions. i have to work this weekend and it is going to be such hell. not as bad as next weekend though. next weekend when people realize, shit, i have seven days to get my shopping done, they will descend on target like a plague of locusts. but tomorrow will still be plenty busy. which is good, busy makes the day go by fast. and i'm so much less tired at the end of the day when i've been busy all day. it's weird i know but it's true. if it's slow and i just stand around most of the day then i'm exhausted by the time i get off. of course, i'm plenty tired at the end of busy days too. damn, who am i kidding? i'm tired all the friggin time. it probably has something to do with the whole being overweight, having high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. and that's another non-resolution right there. i need to get healthy. not thin or skinny or whatever cause i'll never be skinny. i'm not sure it's humanly possible. hell, i had boobs at eight years old and an ass by the time i was ten. and that's way before i started to chub up. but i need to be healthy. i don't want to have to take blood pressure and cholesterol medicine at twenty-nine years old. i want to be able to run about my back yard and play with junebug without getting dizzy and sweating like a, i don't know, a something that sweats a lot, within the first five minutes. i've joined yvonne's health club. she used to be a personal trainer person. you guys should all check her out anyway because she's funny as hell and super nice. i don't remember how i stumbled across her but i'm glad i did. anyway, i think that's enough of the rambliness for one night. i see that my buddy list link is pink over there so i need to go see what someone else has to say for a bit. then i think i may play a game or two of mahjong before hitting the hay with beavis. who, by the way, is already snoozing. he's curled up on my friggin pillow snoring his ass off. i hope he didn't have any dairy products today... on that note, toodles 10:39 pm - 10 Dec 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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