usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- #396 greetings and salutations loyal readers. :P my dad is sick. mama and i don't know what's wrong. he won't tell us the truth about anything. so we don't really know what to do. so we sit in our various parts of the house and listen to him cough up what sounds like chunks of lung and worry. he says it's a summer cold. or perhaps bronchitus. um, no. *shakes head* sorry, don't think so. not that he ever tells us the truth about how he's feeling or what he thinks may be wrong anyway, so why start now right? back in june we went out to eat and to the movies as a celebration for my promotion. about ten minutes into the movie he was breathing so loudly the whole theater could hear him. he was freezing cold and trembling so hard that i felt the vibrations two seats away, yet he was pouring sweat. the lady in front of him owes me a huge thanks because i hauled his ass to the bathroom to keep him from vomiting on her head. so he comes up with the excuse that he ate something that didn't agree with him. his dinner must have been bad. blah blah blah blah again, nope, sorry, don't buy it. he had several heart attacks last year and the symptoms of every single one of those heart attacks, including the one that almost killed him, were the exact same as the symptoms he had that night. mama and i would swear that he had a heart attack. since that night we believe he has had at least three or maybe four more that we have been home to see. who knows what's happening when we are both at work? last night mama and i were sitting on the couch and he got up from his chair and came over and showed me his arm. he pulled his sleeve up and he had the most severe case of goosebumps i have ever seen. he was wearing a sweatshirt by the way. he was shivering so bad that had he had his teeth in they would have been chattering. he sat back down in his chair and covered up with his wool blanket. he was wearing a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, sweatpants, wool socks, shoes and covered with a wool blanket and was still shivering. the thermostat was set on 74. mama and were comfortable. he kept saying he was freezing to death. then we noticed that his lips were purple. i don't know what the hell is going on and we can't deal with it if he continues to deny that anything is wrong. this is not a summer cold, it's not bronchitus. it's not the five million and one other excuses that he can come up with to try to make us feel better. the doctors told him when they started him on his chemotherapy two years ago that they were going to try to save his life and get rid of the cancer. but first, they said, they were going to try their damnedest to kill him. the heart problems are a direct result of the chemotherapy. and i'm just not sure how long his heart is going to be able to hold out. he had is new "birthday" last month. we made him a chocolate cake with a big number one candle. and we bought him "first birthday" birthday cards. we celebrated the anniversary of his transplant, of his being cancer free. he would certainly be dead by now if he hadn't had the chemo and the transpant and i know that. but i still can't help but be angry about the damage that they did to him in the process. after everything he went through last year, as sick as he was, he doesn't deserve to hurt like this. he should be okay now and he isn't. and i'm helpless. what can i do? i'm scared that i'm going to wake up one morning or come home from work one day to find that we've lost him. i pray every day as i drive home from work, let daddy be okay. i don't want to find him. but god knows, i'd rather do it than have my mother find him. i'm not sure she'd be able to handle it at all. and it may sound morbid for me to talk about finding my father dead one day. but more than likely, it is going to happen, sooner rather than later. even his doctors told us that. sorry for the depressing entry but i needed to get it out. i'm holding a lot in again these days and it's eating me up. i come here and i vent a bit about work and i say some stupid stuff, some funny stuff, some meaningless pointless stuff, and i keep everything else with me. i don't want to bring anyone else down. i want everyone to read my entries and laugh or roll their eyes and think that i'm silly or goofy or stupid even. i don't want to share the sadness. i don't want ya'll to leave here feeling the weight of my heart. but i can't carry it alone anymore so here it is. and if it causes fewer people to come here then so be it. but this is it people. my mom and i, we're living our lives, knowing that any minute now they are going to be shattered and we're going to be lost. and there is nothing we can do to stop it. 6:01 pm - 26 Aug 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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