usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- psycho-babble 13 days till christmas and i have not bought the first gift. *shudders* hopefully this weekend we'll be able to knock it all out. i know pretty much everything i'm getting for everyone and from where, now it's just a matter of getting there and getting it. *shrugs* it'll get done, no stress. lol so tomorrow is my second appointment with leah and oddly, i'm still not nervous. she was so nice last week and she talked to me like, well, like a friend. i was just very comfortable with her. i was afraid that i would feel like i was under a microscope or something but it wasn't that way at all. this past week has been one of the best i've had in a while. i only had a few freaking out issues and i was able to calm myself down in a matter of minutes each time. i simply keep reminding myself of something that i inadvertantly admitted to leah last thursday, something that i hadn't even thought of until i said it outloud to her. this happened to me when judah and i moved in together. i got so depressed. we fought like crazy and i tried my damndest to drive us both crazy. i don't want that to happen to me and jeff. i guess i kind of blame myself for some of the things that judah did while we were married because i was so unbearable. not that i forgive him for fucking anything with a pulse, but i can kind of see his need to escape. good lord he was such a prick. anyway, i kind of blurted out to leah that it had happened before and i do NOT want that to happen to me and jeff. i admit that i married judah for all the wrong reasons but i did love him. i just didn't like the person that i was when we were together. he helped me not like myself too. i turned rilly violent when we lived together as well, something that i had never experienced before. i stabbed the man with a fork for christ's sake! i would throw things, break things, i put holes in the walls with shoes, books, my fists, whatever was available. i broke dishes, lamps, and windows. i threw things at him and at walls when he wasn't around. basically, i was a nutcase. i love jeff too much to ever let this happen to us. i don't think that he understands but it's my love for him that sent me in search of help. my love for him and the love i feel for myself when i'm with him. whereas judah made me loathe myself to the point of dreaming about death, jeff makes me feel. i ended that sentence there the way i did because i've been sitting her for five minutes staring at the cursor blinking on the screen running all the things he makes me feel through my mind trying to find the one that would best fit that sentence. the problem is this, there is no one feeling that completes that thought. he makes me feel loved, safe, complete, confident, appreciated, worthy, beautiful and a million other things as well. i just didn't realize it all before. i'm so stuck on these thoughts that have been running through my head for my whole life that i didn't see it all before. i felt some of those things here and there, one or two at a time, but sitting here now, trying to think of just one word, dozens ran through my mind. so many people in my life had told me and made me feel that i was nothing important that i've been believing it for a long time. hell, i still believe it. but i know that i am important to a few very special people and that means the world to me. you know who you are and i love you all. on that note i think i'll go now. good night. oh, and suz, you thanked me in your diary for always being there for you. well, right back at ya. actually, i should thank tim. where would i be right now if he hadn't left heilig for mcv and sent me to you? i love ya girlie, and thanks for the christmas card. (((hugs))) =) 10:53 pm - 12 Dec 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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