usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- yes dammit, i'm mad god, i so want it to be spring! yesterday it was so nice outside. the sun was shining and it was warm. it wasn't as windy as it had been the past few days. it was perfect. and what do we have today? friggin rain! the sky is gray and it is cold and it has been raining all day long. this sucks. i know you guys are prolly sick of reading my rants about jeff and i promise i'll get over this soon. we have talked on the phone like every night this week. it's been pretty nice. kind of stress free, just joking and playing around with each other, nothing really serious. but i did find out last night that it bothers him when i make little sarcastic jokes about us breaking up and stuff. i don't do it to be mean or whatever, i told him, that's just my way of dealing with it. i have to play it all off or else it just hurts way too much. so of course he asks me (again) if i'm mad at him. and i say yeah, kinda. but then i say i'm not sure if i'm mad at him or myself or just the situation. so he keeps telling me he wants me to tell him if i'm mad. he wants me to call him up and cuss him out or yell at him or something. somehow that is supposed to make him feel better. why the hell do i care if he feels better? he's the one that hurt me, i need to feel better right? the hell with him. lol you guys know i am way to nice, sweet, caring and pathetic to really feel that way. lol i guess i can understand where he's coming from though. he says that he wants to know how i feel about everything because normally i just say nothing. if he asks if i'm mad at him i say no or if he asks what's wrong with me i just say nothing. it drives him nuts that i don't yell and scream at him when i'm mad. i just hold it in and don't deal with it. so he wanted to talk about it last night. but i just didn't have anything to say. so we got off the phone and i was sitting on the couch watching something on the discovery channel with daddy about the great wall of china and all of a sudden i just got really pissed off at jeff. lol so i decided to email him and tell him that i was mad at him. so anyway, i called him and told him to give me about 15 or 20 minutes and then go check his email. then i started writing. i hadn't planned to say that much. actually, i wasn't sure what i was even going to say when i started, then it just hit me and i couldn't stop. of course, my over emotional ass was crying by the time i finally hit the send button. lol so here it is ~ my "yes, i'm mad at your dumbass" letter: okay, here goes. yes, i'm fucking mad at you. why wouldn't i be? i think i have every right to be mad at you. but, if i continue to be mad at you, i could ruin our friendship and i can't let that happen. i need to stay friends with you and i'm scared that if i get mad and go off on you or something you won't want to be my friend anymore so i can't let that happen. instead i vent to my other friends or i just keep it inside rather than tell you. maybe if i just get it all out i'll get over being mad and i can move on. i'm mad at you for not loving me enough to want to be with me. i'm mad at you for hurting me. i'm mad at you for taking sierra and drake away from me. i'm mad at you for putting this strain on our friendship. i'm mad at you for making me love you. i'm mad at you for the way you make me feel every time i see you. i'm mad at you for the way you make me feel every time i hear your voice. i'm mad at you for not being able to make up your fucking mind about what you want in life except for deciding that you don't want me. i'm mad at you for not being able to give me what i want and need. i'm mad at you for making me tell you this. i'm mad at you when i wake up in the morning thinking about you. i'm mad at you when i fall asleep at night thinking about you. i'm mad at you when you're in my dreams at night. i'm mad that i gave you everything i could in the past 5 months and it wasn't enough for you. i'm mad that i will never love anyone else the way i love you. i'm mad that you make me cry. i'm mad that sometimes i hurt so much i can't cry. i'm mad that i can't watch wrestling with you anymore. i'm mad that i can't go walk around target with you anymore. i'm mad that my time with you is limited to a few minutes on the phone every once in a while. i'm mad that i can't get you out of my fucking head. i'm mad that i can't just call you whenever i want to. i'm mad that i can't just show up and see you whenever i want to. i'm mad that i'll never get to fall asleep in your arms. i'm mad that i'll never get to wake up lying next to you. i'm mad that i don't get to be there when you get home from work every night to talk about your day. i'm mad that i don't get to see your smile. i'm mad that i don't get to see your eyes. i'm mad that i never get to kiss you again. i'm mad that you'll never hold me again. i'm mad that you will never know how much i love you. i'm mad that someone else will get all the things from you that i won't. happy now? i hope so. maybe now we can just move on and be friends. i don't want to lose you completely jeff. i couldn't stand it if that happened. just know that no matter how mad i get at you, i will always care about you more than you can ever understand. anyway, i'll talk to you later. remember, you promised to call me tomorrow night so you better. lol even if you're in a shitty mood and don't feel like talking, you better call and tell me you're in a shitty mood and don't feel like talking just because you promised. :) anyway, have a good day at work and i'll talk to you later. ~me *~*~* think he'll get the picture? did i make it clear enough that i'm friggin mad? lol i didn't realize until i started typing just how mad i was. i actually felt better when i had finished it too. i was surprised that i felt like this weight had been lifted off my shoulders. lol that sounds so cheesy but i can't think of a better way to describe it. i mean, yeah, i'm still upset about it. i'm hurt and i am still mad. and now that i read back over this i think of things that i wish i had thought to put in when i originally wrote it. lol i have to deal with this somehow though. i can't keep it all inside and i can't keep thinking about it all the time. that's why i want jeff to just drop the damn subject. i'm of the belief that if you ignore somthing for long enough it will just go away. i have to stop being mad at him so that we can keep our friendship. i lost him once almost 7 years ago, and i just can't stand the thought of that happening again. but i can't ignore it if he keeps wanting to talk about my damn feelings. for the past 5 months he hasn't given a damn about anyone's feelings except his own and now suddenly he wants me to talk about my feelings. lol what the hell is up with that? :) god, i so need to get over this. life goes on right? so dammit, cindy, suck it up and move on. it wasn't meant to be, he doesn't love you, you aren't going to be together, he is going to move on (if he hasn't already) and you need to move on too. maybe if i fuss at myself enough it'll finally start to sink in... 8:29 pm - 15 Mar 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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